Sample! For Dodian 'L.P.A. Comp!'

[Arsenal]

Rain fell to the ground. Lightning flashed as if the Gods themselves were angry with the mortals of Earth. Thunder echoed, as its force scared the smallest of creatures back into their homes. But one being was not afraid. He walked quietly and swiftly through the streets of Elevik. His mission was simple. Take the king out with one lethal blow and get out of the palace without a trace. He was a professional and was clean with every job he did.

Two guards stood at the front gate of the palace. Both smoking a cigar. The night’s cold air was so fierce that even the armor the guards wore didn't even, keep them warm.

“Did you hear something?” Asked one of the guards as he raised his spear that was gripped tightly within his hands.

“Must have been an animal or something. Nothing to worry about.”The other guard gave the other guard a reassuring smile as if nothing was wrong but he too had heard something and was suspicious.

Before they could confirm their suspicions, they were both killed on the spot by a lethal blow to the head by two arrows. Their bodies fell to the ground and bloody flowed from the wounds. The attacker walked straight over their bodies before climbing swiftly over the palace’s gates. He was in. His heavy breathing masked the pain he was in. He had been cut on the climb over. He stared in shock at his wound. Blood pouring out of his leg from the small wound that had been made by the gate.

He quickly ripped a part of the material on his shirt before wrapping it around the wound. He could feel the blood flow start to ease before he smiled. He looked up at the palace light’s from the shadows. His smirk filled his face. All he had to do, was locate the king, and finish him off.


This is the sample. This is also the sample that I will use to see if someone should be a judge so if you're thinking, "It isn't that good" this is why. If it was too good, there would be nothing to really judge. THIS IS FOR JUDGING PURPOSES SO GUYS IT REALLY IS JUST A SAMPLE FOR JUDGING.

[ZavenASDF]

41/50

- Spellcheck some of the stuff, ''Fell to the ground, and bloody fell from the wounds''? Put blood, not bloody.

- Don't use something twice by two different people in a row

''Did you hear something''? it must of been an animal or something.

- You overused blood and wounds, try a different word like ''Bile leaked over his wounds, as maggots filled the streets to leech over his remains''.

- You used lethal twice, try to shake it up a little bit.

- There was like no ending? It just said Locate the king, all stories have an ending, so try to add a whole different paragraph for your next ending, maybe describe the location of the area.

Overall good job.

~Zaven~

[Perfection]

42/50
tops but i cant give top mark hehe.

[Arsenal]

41/50

- Spellcheck some of the stuff, ''Fell to the ground, and bloody fell from the wounds''? Put blood, not bloody.

- Don't use something twice by two different people in a row

''Did you hear something''? it must of been an animal or something.

- You overused blood and wounds, try a different word like ''Bile leaked over his wounds, as maggots filled the streets to leech over his remains''.

- You used lethal twice, try to shake it up a little bit.

- There was like no ending? It just said Locate the king, all stories have an ending, so try to add a whole different paragraph for your next ending, maybe describe the location of the area.

Overall good job.

~Zaven~

Just a heads up. I did tell you that there would be mistakes. But in regards to your last comment. Samples generally don't have an ending, especially if they're being used for judging purposes. They're usually, 250-750words long so yea. I'll think about it.

42/50
tops but i cant give top mark hehe.
=P No one is meant too. This is for judging purposes. Lol.

[wtfskiller]

i have a poem i would like to put up as a sample XD -death-
-a wise man once said that only the strong willed face death,and the few who run are alreadey dead-

[powned38]

45/50.
It sounded good when reading but i found a few errors here and there. :) AWESOME! ;D I liked it.

[Wiz]

I'm going to judge this like it's an actual entry so you can see my judging prowess :):

Spelling:
WAY too many unnecessary mistakes. You should of proofread and proofread it again to fix those stupid mistakes.

"Their bodies fell to the ground and bloody flowed from the wounds"

Needs no explanation...
The other guard gave the other guard a reassuring smile as if nothing was wrong but he too had heard something and was suspicious.

You may think that that isn't a spelling error but to me, it is. I was taught in CP English that to make a story good you NEVER EVER repeat something like this with the "other guard and other guard" thing. You should of realized this and should of had it said

The guard gave a reassuring smile as if nothing was wrong but he too had heard something and was suspicious.

It would of made your story sound alot more mature than childish.

"the attacker walked straight over their bodies before climbing swiftly over the palace’s gates"

Is there more than one palace? You should of said palace and not palace's as palace's implys there is more than ONE palace.

Grammar:

"The night’s cold air was so fierce that even the armor the guards wore didn't even, keep them warm."

Even a 5th grader wouldn't of made this mistake. Maybe it was a typo, but you used the comma in the wrong way. You ALWAYS use a comma after the introductory clauses, phrases, or words that come before the main clause.

I know there's more Grammar errors but I don't feel like judging it anymore...

Story:

First of all, How in the HELL does a ARROW cause a lethal blow ? Arrows don't do lethal "blows" they pierce the characters skull and drives its self into the characters brain killing him/her instantly. If your going to use words like "blow" and "arrows" togehter in a sentence to signify the killing of a character, make sure that your "arrows" AREN'T arrows and is something heavy and blunt as I've said before, ARROWS DO NOT "BLOW" THEY PIERCE.

Overall:
As I read this, I couldn't help but remember the time I once had a quadruple cheeseburger at In-N-Out once and after eating it I had to take a MASSIVE ****. That's how disinterested I was in this story as I saw basically no clever use of any sort of descriptive verbs or some sort of "twist" that makes the story more interesting. Quite honestly, I don't think this deserves a rating any higher than a 20.

19/50

( I still <3 you Arsenal)

[Sherpa2Chris]

I like how it's really detailed, and it's a type of story most people like. Since the whole "midevil" thing is what brought people to play RuneScape, which eventually brought them here.

P.S. I'm bad at being a judge. :D

[yimi167]

1. What is the name of your entry?:from me to you
2. What Genre is it?:song/poetry
3. Where is your entry located \? Link, Picture, Video, Etc.n this post
4. Is it just you in your Entry? Or is there anyone else involved? If so, please notify here.:Just me and a lot of ideas.
5. How much time did you put into creating this entry?:20m minutes
6. You agree with all the rules stated above? :yes.
7. Additional Comments:First song i wrote that was any good.
8. Other:enjoy.i wrote this.
poem/ song

when i wake up my head in the sky.
i look up and turn away.
trying to find out the reasons why.
when its down you and me.
darling why couldn't u see.
that its just you and me.
and I've done my best to get through.
my love from me to you.
when we walk hand-n-hand heart-n-heart.
honey why do we always fall apart.
when it was just me and you .
trying not to feel so blue.
and I'll keep on trying to get my love through.
from me to you.
I'll keep on going another day.
now we must go our own way.
nothing left for us to say.
but when it was down to me and you.
i just wanted me love to get through.
from me to you.

dodian.com song/poem yimi167
song example.:):):):)

[yimi167]

join me as i explain a story-line for a runescape quest, tell me if u like it.

once in a dark land centuries ago there lived 4 races of underground creatures; vampire's, skeletal werewolves, man eating zombies, and bone thrashing skeletons. long ago these creature fought for the underground lands, who won u may ask, that is still unknown but I'm here to find out.

fight for darkness hallowvale Part 1: upon my research i have found many folk lores about these marvelous creatures so now i am going to uncover this mystery that has been for many years. i am but a poor man who lives in the library of hallowvale but no one believes these mystery's but me, I've asked everyone where they think it might be, but in my search i found a map to these creatures, i need a brave adventurer to go on this quest with me. it may even be you! ha ha ha, maybe not you over there in the yellow shirt. but bare in mind that this is a parlous journey.

Finding the underground Part 2: now we head east just part the vyre's that lure for the blood of a human crawling on my knees to get past them i lurked past undetected. now that i have made it to the enterance, i lye in wait for a adventurer to come by.(by this time you will already be there)

the secret of the creatures part 3: we look down the enterance and find its a long way down, we fasten our ropes and head below to the darkness or the underground cavern, along the way we set up lights. now at the bottom he find 4 doors each one with a lock. along the wall we see a old corpse, linging from his side was a set of rusted keys, a red key, a brown one, a gray one, and a white bone key. we found the bone key fell apart in our hand, the red key fell to dust as we tried to pick it up, the brown key was fine but the gray one was rusted out of shape. we need to find replacements for these keys and fast, in my research i found the keys were also found in other places , bone key was from karajuma, red key and gray keys are from melzar's maze and so the adventure set off to fin the keys , while i stayed behind to find out what was behind the 4 doors.

the banned rooms of death art 4: i have found that behind each door there we a race of legendary creature's each more deadly then the last, we can only go through one door at a time, so we pick the bone door, the bone key fit nicely but we heard the rattle of bones as the door opened, they came in raging and moaning the clinging of the bones, we went into the room and found two deadly looking skeletons, they started at us then began to attack us one by one, we ran out the door and locked it for now. next was the brown key we opened the door and we heard the loudest howl ever as the werewolves zombies and skeleton clawed their way out of the room. we looked in and saw a werewolf about 20 feet tall as he walked closer and closer leaving his foot print behind him dragging his 15 foot club. we locked the door after we started to raise the club in the air. next was the gray key,as it opened the zombie crept near, we looked in and saw nothing but a pile of bones lying on the floor so we just shut the door. finally was the red key was we open the door we felt it was wet, the door was made of blood. then the vampire dragon's came out with the vampirians, both with the lust for blood. we looked in and found a 80 foot vampirian with a dragon with three heads.we escaped from the underground with our lives but behind us we heard the wales, aches and bashes of the creatures making their way in.

protect the city Part 5:they swarmed in through the city attacking and killing the citizens of hallowvale. we set out to slay a few of them but they kept multiplying ancient text said that both sides can create a army though forbidden magic we had to decide which ones were real and ones that weren't. the adventurer told me to stand back while he preformed a spell, he called it ice barrage. all of the creatures fell to the ground yet they all multiplied none of them were real.

solving the mystery Part 6: if none of them were real witch ones are, we asked. then it came to me, the creatures that stayed behind must be in control.! but how to face them, the adventure said leave it to him and ran down the cavern. good luck my friend.

fighting the boss's Part 7: (in view of the adventure) first i need to fight the skeletons they both fight side by side so ice barrage should do good. 3 minutes later they have fallen. next is the werewolf perhaps i could find a save spot from him, maybe near the door, 10 ice bursts later he has fallen. now for the zombies, hand to hand combat should do nicely but where is he, u skip him for now. finally for the vampirian, pesky dragon hmmm..... range works well. 3 mins dragon is dead. now for the vampirian i tried hand to hand combat but all he did was suck the life out of me, safe spots, safe spots, 4 mins hes dead.then i heard a loud clatter outside the doors and the dragon and vampirian merged then out side was a evil demon he leaped out side the cavern.

finale battle Part 8: to kill this demon i will ne...let me try it said the the librarian as he transformed into a giant vampirian himself grabbed my staff and started to fight. all i could do was watch in awe as the demon was starting to fall before my vary eyes. then the librarian hit the ground and my staff 10 feet away i casted a few spells to freeze the demon but once i got my staff he attacked, powerful as it was it was somehow repelled, i looked up to see a ancient wizard of hallowvale as he was binding the massive beast. he told me to cast blood rush, but i didn't know why. then after that he through me a sword and said one last hit should do it, as i stab it in the demon as far as it'd go the demon soon became ashes. the librarian rewarded me with 4 blue lamps, he said he does need them anyway, as he turned back into a human.(50k in any stat over level 60, can't chose combats stats) and he gave me the spell the ancient creatures used and so i went off into the distant was it all a dream will i wake up or will this spell prove more dangerous then handy?
THE END:):):)

[yimi167]

this is a picture of Ichigo Kurosaki, enjoy.:):):):)

[yimi167]

;);););)omfgroflwlmaoailol

[Wiz]

Yimi can you be ANY dumber? Stop posting your entries for the compeition in here before I PM/email you 500 pictures of dead and mangled bodies. Your supposed to make a seperate thread about your entires not come in here and post about them three times in a row.

[N o v a]

Note to self, remove Ohio from the face of the Earth.

[Arsenal]

I'm going to judge this like it's an actual entry so you can see my judging prowess :):

Spelling:
WAY too many unnecessary mistakes. You should of proofread and proofread it again to fix those stupid mistakes.

"Their bodies fell to the ground and bloody flowed from the wounds"

Needs no explanation...
The other guard gave the other guard a reassuring smile as if nothing was wrong but he too had heard something and was suspicious.

You may think that that isn't a spelling error but to me, it is. I was taught in CP English that to make a story good you NEVER EVER repeat something like this with the "other guard and other guard" thing. You should of realized this and should of had it said

The guard gave a reassuring smile as if nothing was wrong but he too had heard something and was suspicious.

It would of made your story sound alot more mature than childish.

"the attacker walked straight over their bodies before climbing swiftly over the palace’s gates"

Is there more than one palace? You should of said palace and not palace's as palace's implys there is more than ONE palace.

Grammar:

"The night’s cold air was so fierce that even the armor the guards wore didn't even, keep them warm."

Even a 5th grader wouldn't of made this mistake. Maybe it was a typo, but you used the comma in the wrong way. You ALWAYS use a comma after the introductory clauses, phrases, or words that come before the main clause.

I know there's more Grammar errors but I don't feel like judging it anymore...

Story:

First of all, How in the HELL does a ARROW cause a lethal blow ? Arrows don't do lethal "blows" they pierce the characters skull and drives its self into the characters brain killing him/her instantly. If your going to use words like "blow" and "arrows" togehter in a sentence to signify the killing of a character, make sure that your "arrows" AREN'T arrows and is something heavy and blunt as I've said before, ARROWS DO NOT "BLOW" THEY PIERCE.

Overall:
As I read this, I couldn't help but remember the time I once had a quadruple cheeseburger at In-N-Out once and after eating it I had to take a MASSIVE ****. That's how disinterested I was in this story as I saw basically no clever use of any sort of descriptive verbs or some sort of "twist" that makes the story more interesting. Quite honestly, I don't think this deserves a rating any higher than a 20.

19/50

( I still <3 you Arsenal)
You're in! You know why. XD Not going to say or people will just do it. -.-

[Red Monkey]

I would like to be a Judge and will not enter the competition. I am always on frequently about every day.. It said to pm you in game, Do not know how people vote, im guessing on the forums.
Please inform me more ad let me know if this post is in wrong place :(! :D

~\±/~ TreeTop ~\±/~

[kuzmin]

Dude your writing my next essays. k?

[Arsenal]

Dude your writing my next essays. k?
Make me. I'm in year 8. Lol. XD
Also, guys, you need to judge the sample I posted. Like Wiz did. Ok?

[Red Monkey]

OKAY THANK YOU! I will get to it. But right now have to help with chores.




Okay but I need an essay to grade. I'm in 10th grade, so i take AP English II, and its the third day so yes I have an 'A'.

ANd excuse my lower case i's , I will correct when I notice it but sometimes I don't and especially will use when judging. ( as you see I noticed ;). )

[Arsenal]

If your talking to me.... Idk what you mean lol. sorry



Okay but I need an essay to grade. I'm in 10th grade, so i take AP English II, and its the third day so yes I have an 'A'.

ANd excuse my lower case i's , I will correct when I notice it but sometimes I don't and especially will use when judging. ( as you see I noticed ;). )
The only thing that concerned you was ,'You judge the sample on the previous page. Just like Wiz did, ok?' Got it?

[A L T E C]

ye spell checj :D

[Boylight]

So there should be the lethal three kill in the end.

[Kreepy]

I like it XD XD. There are a few spelling errors though. Hmmm should I enter my stories?

[Jesse]

Gravedig, the users have been infracted by instruction of administration.

Closed.