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lilfishy
10-04-2008, 12:08 AM
Please say criticisms,and good things and rate...



The Key To Time


One time a long long time ago, before Adam and Eve, before the dinosaurs, there was the past, present and future. Now in the year 2028, the biggest secret of the earth has been revealed. Now here's the story.

I live in a time of war, in the strongest and weakest place of the earth. I live in a world of mysteries, but now its all clear. It all started one dark, cloudy day. I was running. There was just a sign of an assassin on the loose. I ran, I hid. I stumbled. I fell. Far. Deep. All the way down that hill I fell, and all I remember was that sharp landing on my face. But I lived. I was lost, with no where to go. I fell down into the center of the earth. Through a hole that no one ever knew about. That is my beginning of the rest of my life. That is when I found it. My name is Joshua Giani. I was out cold when I fell, but when I awoke from that tremendous fall, yes my skull was bleeding, and my right arm was broken, but I lived. I was able to walk, and I did. I walked and walked until i couldn't walk anymore. And then I saw it. I saw a big but small, thick but thin, light but heavy, dull but shiny, amazing extraordinary crystal. It was stuck into the ground, and it was shining with electrical flares on it. I didn't know what to do. So I touched it. Then I felt it, amazing power. I felt the difference between right and wrong, and the difference between normal and pure magic. I pulled it, and surprising enough it came out of the ground. Right when I wedged it out of the ground, It opened, and started showing me many pictures. It took hours until I realized what this crystal is. And at that exact moment the ground started shaking like a dog shaking water off. I picked it up and ran. But where do I go? I wondered. I was down in the middle of the earth. And then it happened. This extraordinary magic started to control me, and I was soon flying up this giant hill. Then I was there. I was where I fell, where the rest of society was. But this time, I was not afraid. I did not run. I walked through the war, I was untouchable. I couldnt die, I could just sense it. I knew the secrets to the universe. I knew that before dinosaurs, there was a past, present and future. I now knew that the world goes round and round, not only physically, but also in a matter of time. Time was evitable to me, it was not important, and not needed. I, a 13 year old boy had the key to the surviving of the universe as we know it and as we don't, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE, ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!...


I hold the key to the universe...
I see the past before the past.
I see the present during a different present
I see the future of the future.

How do I live?

What do I do?...




( To Be Continued )

lilfishy
10-04-2008, 09:54 AM
:)Please rate, I worked hard on it.:)

altaria
10-04-2008, 09:59 AM
Please say criticisms,and good things:) and rate...



The Key To Time


One time a long long time ago, before Adam and Eve, before the dinosaurs, there was the past, present and future. Now in the year 2028, the biggest secret of the earth has been revealed. Now here's the story.

I live in a time of war, in the strongest and weakest place of the earth. I live in a world of mysteries, but now its all clear. It all started one dark, cloudy day. I was running. There was just a sign of an assassin on the loose. I ran, I hid. I stumbled. I fell. Far. Deep. All the way down that hill I fell, and all I remember was that sharp landing on my face. But I lived. I was lost, with no where to go. I fell down into the center of the earth. Through a hole that no one ever knew about. That is my beginning of the rest of my life. That is when I found it. My name is Joshua Giani. I was out cold when I fell, but when I awoke from that tremendous fall, yes my skull was bleeding, and my right arm was broken, but I lived. I was able to walk, and I did. I walked and walked until i couldn't walk anymore. And then I saw it. I saw a big but small, thick but thin, light but heavy, dull but shiny, amazing extraordinary crystal. It was stuck into the ground, and it was shining with electrical flares on it. I didn't know what to do. So I touched it. Then I felt it, amazing power. I felt the difference between right and wrong, and the difference between normal and pure magic. I pulled it, and surprising enough it came out of the ground. Right when I wedged it out of the ground, It opened, and started showing me many pictures. It took hours until I realized what this crystal is. And at that exact moment the ground started shaking like a dog shaking water off. I picked it up and ran. But where do I go? I wondered. I was down in the middle of the earth. And then it happened. This extraordinary magic started to control me, and I was soon flying up this giant hill. Then I was there. I was where I fell, where the rest of society was. But this time, I was not afraid. I did not run. I walked through the war, I was untouchable. I couldnt die, I could just sense it. I knew the secrets to the universe. I knew that before dinosaurs, there was a past, present and future. I now knew that the world goes round and round, not only physically, but also in a matter of time. Time was evitable to me, it was not important, and not needed. I, a 13 year old boy had the key to the surviving of the universe as we know it and as we don't, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE, ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!...


I hold the key to the universe...
I see the past before the past.
I see the present during a different present
I see the future of the future.

How do I live?

What do I do?...




( To Be Continued )

nice i fixed all you spelling mistakes

lilfishy
10-04-2008, 10:02 AM
Thankyou very much:)

N o v a
10-05-2008, 01:47 AM
It's pretty good, don't double post.

south park2
10-05-2008, 01:50 AM
i would read it bu i h8 reading but it looks like a book ill give it a 6/10 for a long essay

Jesse
10-07-2008, 05:38 PM
Please say criticisms,and good things and rate...



The Key To Time


One time a long long time ago, before Adam and Eve, before the dinosaurs, there was the past, present and future. Now in the year 2028, the biggest secret of the earth has been revealed. Now here's the story.

I live in a time of war, in the strongest and weakest place of the earth. I live in a world of mysteries, but now its all clear. It all started one dark, cloudy day. I was running. There was just a sign of an assassin on the loose. I ran, I hid. I stumbled. I fell. Far. Deep. All the way down that hill I fell, and all I remember was that sharp landing on my face. But I lived. I was lost, with no where to go. I fell down into the center of the earth. Through a hole that no one ever knew about. That is my beginning of the rest of my life. That is when I found it. My name is Joshua Giani. I was out cold when I fell, but when I awoke from that tremendous fall, yes my skull was bleeding, and my right arm was broken, but I lived. I was able to walk, and I did. I walked and walked until i couldn't walk anymore. And then I saw it. I saw a big but small, thick but thin, light but heavy, dull but shiny, amazing extraordinary crystal. It was stuck into the ground, and it was shining with electrical flares on it. I didn't know what to do. So I touched it. Then I felt it, amazing power. I felt the difference between right and wrong, and the difference between normal and pure magic. I pulled it, and surprising enough it came out of the ground. Right when I wedged it out of the ground, It opened, and started showing me many pictures. It took hours until I realized what this crystal is. And at that exact moment the ground started shaking like a dog shaking water off. I picked it up and ran. But where do I go? I wondered. I was down in the middle of the earth. And then it happened. This extraordinary magic started to control me, and I was soon flying up this giant hill. Then I was there. I was where I fell, where the rest of society was. But this time, I was not afraid. I did not run. I walked through the war, I was untouchable. I couldnt die, I could just sense it. I knew the secrets to the universe. I knew that before dinosaurs, there was a past, present and future. I now knew that the world goes round and round, not only physically, but also in a matter of time. Time was evitable to me, it was not important, and not needed. I, a 13 year old boy had the key to the surviving of the universe as we know it and as we don't, PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE, ROUND AND ROUND AND ROUND WE GO!...


I hold the key to the universe...
I see the past before the past.
I see the present during a different present
I see the future of the future.

How do I live?

What do I do?...




( To Be Continued )

I noticed a few mistakes, so I'll start with the negative things first, to give you something to look forward to.

Firstly, the writing looks jagged an unnatural. Writing needs to flow, else it becomes an eyesore to read.

Secondly, the usage of sentences fragments ("Far. Deep.") makes the writing look messy and unplanned.

Thirdly, there's quite a few spelling mistakes/typos, I suggest you fix them :).

On a last note, this: I saw a big but small, thick but thin, light but heavy, dull but shiny, amazing extraordinary crystal.. This was good for the, "big but small, thick but thin", but after that it becomes redundant and annoying to read.

On the positive notes..

You've inspired me to write a short story, I'll post it later.
You also have good writing traits, you've just slightly overdid them.

If you were my student in class, I'd give you a:

91%

lilfishy
10-07-2008, 06:01 PM
Thanks benz for critisms, and good stuff!


Yay i dont fail! In fact i got an A!!!:)

sharkblazer1
10-08-2008, 08:42 PM
Simply Amazing.!!!

but next time try to put space after each line and make it more readable

and stuff

other than that Great Job!

lilfishy
10-08-2008, 10:51 PM
Thankyou very much!:)

Zaven89
10-09-2008, 12:00 AM
I charge kisses for my comments, although it was legit. I'll give a comment.

Ehh em. You suck. jk

K E W L
10-09-2008, 01:44 AM
not bad, better than me im not the sort into poems

8/10

lilfishy
10-09-2008, 09:39 AM
Thanks everyone! Its a story

Punk1d
10-10-2008, 02:30 PM
It's a very nice story. 8,5\10.