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View Full Version : Love at First Sight.

Jarodx4
10-22-2008, 10:17 PM
My eyes,
My eyes as bight as the sun,
Staring at one thing..
You,Your eyes gazing in midair,
Are you the one for me?
One step after another,
I think about one thing..
You....
your hair,swifting with the breeze,
picture perfect.
I don't know what to stare at.
the view or you?
I can't take my wide eyes off you,
as your curves,
your curves are perfect,
there's one question..
Am I the one for you?
Her footsteps turn in the opposite direction.
I call out to her,
''Hello pretty one''
She turns around,I can't believe my eyes.
-END
The Zaven
10-22-2008, 10:18 PM
Hai spellcheck. I actually liked it. 9/10
Jarodx4
10-22-2008, 10:19 PM
hey,Thanks dude.
619hit
10-22-2008, 10:25 PM
nice dude keep going! 10.1/10
Jarodx4
10-22-2008, 10:28 PM
wow?i was only exspecting about 5/10!
hehe thanks guys!
Arsenal
10-22-2008, 10:45 PM
What is this meant to be? A poem? 7/10. You have too many sentences that go on for to long. You should make them into shorter versions and have more feeling into your submissions.
Great effort.
Jarodx4
10-22-2008, 10:49 PM
What is this meant to be? A poem? 7/10. You have too many sentences that go on for to long. You should make them into shorter versions and have more feeling into your submissions.
Great effort.

Thanks,Im just new to this and hope to get better,with your advice it would hugely improve my writing.