A story I decided to write.

[DarkSeraphim]

Warning: Mature content.

I have not finished.

Kevon walked to school, using the shortcut through the woods to get there. Kevon was thinking about the many times his mom had told him not to use the shortcut. In the midst of his thinking he tripped, and the contents of his bag spilled out. Picking up the contents he checked to make sure everything was there. Picking up his homework, math book, and his father's gun. Kevon continued to walk to school, a little nervous at first but gaining courage with each step.

Kevon saw (Need a name) High School in the distance. Kevon started walking faster, attempting to get there before the bell rings. Kevon got into the school right before the bell rings. Instead of heading off towards his first class, he went off into the direction of the janitors closet. Checking to make sure no one was looking he opened the door. Kevon pulled out his father' gun, and took a few deep breaths. Kevon shouted out something about everyone shoving something up there ass, and pulled the trigger.
"Of course the gun doesn't work when I want to kill myself!" Kevon shouts out.
Kevon puts the gun into his back pocket and walks out of the janitorial closet. Kevon starts heading toward the entrance. Kevon notices a school bully, Chris, and starts to walk faster. Chris starts walking towards Kevon.
"Hey fag get over here." Chris shouts at Kevon.
"Leave me alone." Kevon retorts.
"I will beat the crap out of you."
"Go ahead."
Chris raises his fists and heads towards Kevon. Kevon thinks for a second and pulls the gun out of his back pocket.
"Move and I will kill you." Kevon says quietly to Chris.
"P.. p... put... put it down" Chris finally manages to whisper.
"**** this" Kevon pulls the trigger thinking the gun was broken. Kevon is deafened by the explosion of the gun.
"Oh ****, Oh ****." Kevon looks to wear Chris was standing and sees he shot Chris right between his temples. Kevon runs out of the school, dropping the gun.

[josue]

It's really hard to tell with just the first paragraph, but it is a good intro.

[DarkSeraphim]

Thank you, I didn't ask my question properly. I should have asked something along the lines of "Is it suspenseful?" Of course I didn't phrase it properly.

[Shuza]

Why does this little boy have a gun in his backpack?

[DarkSeraphim]

You don't find out until I decide to add two or tree more paragraphs.

[coolnoob355]

good intro, im looking for the 2nd paragraph and it does have a lot of suspense

[Asian]

You could probably get in trouble nowadays for writing about a school shooting.


My comment: I don't really like it, a school shooting just something I don't enjoy reading about.

[solan]

Err, in grade 9 English our teacher has been extremely picky(I say this so you know im not critisising you for fun... but doing so constructively), and you may or may not be in a more advanced english class... anyways, it is suspensefull, makes me wanna find out whats so bad about the shortcut, why he has his dad's gun, how old he is, and why he's taking the shortcut. There is a fragment... "As he picked up his homework, his math book, and his father's gun"... what happened as he picked it up? there's just a period... also when he says he thought about the many times his mom told him not to use that shortcut. (that's not a fragment, it just sounds strange coming right before another short sentence, and right after one aswell...

[DarkSeraphim]

Asian, I really don't care if I get into trouble for writing about a school shooting that is fictional. Also Solan, this is just an outline I am going to edit it all later I just want a little feedback about what you think of it. Also I thank everyone for posting feedback. I'm almost done with the second and third paragraphs. I am writing slowly because my 3 year old cousin is over and I am getting distracted.

[solan]

You could probably get in trouble nowadays for writing about a school shooting.


My comment: I don't really like it, a school shooting just something I don't enjoy reading about.

I also agree with Asian, school shootings are quite serious, and not to be taken lightly. Maybe a new topic entirely? Maybe get rid of the gun and.... have something less... fatal. Lol

P.S: yes it is suspenseful...suspenceful...susp.. never mind... But you SHOULD care if you get into trouble for it...

[Sherpa2Chris]

It's not bad. Why did he bring his father's gun to school? If he was caught with a gun at school, wouldn't he be like expelled and sent to Juvenile hall? :eek:

[DarkSeraphim]

Solan it isn't illegal to write a fictional story, I know that I should probably not have used this to start my story. Of course I did so just wait for the second part. Then you guys can yell at me.

[DarkSeraphim]

Thank you Sherpa I'm going to post that part in a few minutes. After that I won't post anymore until the story is over. So to all my "fans" sorry if I am making you mad.

[DarkSeraphim]

Lots of veiws! I thank everyone who has veiwed this, but people please give some feedback.

[Jesse]

Bowling for Columbine!

The story does not captivate anything, you are telling versus showing, which is ruining it all. Sensory writing is necessary!

[solan]

umm... I see you finished the story... but, alot of grammer check needs to be done and... i mean i dont wanna be too harsh but... instead of warning:mature content maybe Warning:crap content? a kid trips on his way to school, tries to kill himself at school, then kills a bully? And about having your 3 year old cousin over slowing you down... i have a 4 year old sister... and in grade 9 i do tend to get a hell of a lot of homework and essays... just tune out anything that annoys you or go to a quieter place...


P.S good luck on any further writing.

[solan]

Solan it isn't illegal to write a fictional story, I know that I should probably not have used this to start my story. Of course I did so just wait for the second part. Then you guys can yell at me.


I never said it was illegal... but your teacher may not like it..

[DarkSeraphim]

Michael Moore's new documentary? What does that have to do with anything? Okay, I'll remove the curse words. Solan, it isn't for my teacher. Also I am not finished.

[Jesse]

Michael Moore's new documentary? What does that have to do with anything? Okay, I'll remove the curse words. Solan, it isn't for my teacher. Also I am not finished.

Columbine is a high school that had gun violence at it, the entire theme of the documentary excessive killings with guns.

Sigh..

[DarkSeraphim]

Columbine is a high school that had gun violence at it, the entire theme of the documentary excessive killings with guns.

Sigh..

Well excuse me for not understanding.

[Jesse]

Well excuse me for not understanding.

Just do some research before you try to find flaws in someone's logic. Oh and, stop double (triple!) posting.

[DarkSeraphim]

Benz :( You are so mean to me. All I do is give, and all you do is yell!

[Jesse]

Benz :( You are so mean to me. All I do is give, and all you do is yell!
I'm not yelling at all? I just told you to make sure you know what you're talking about before you say it. Anyways, just because I'm posting doesn't mean I'm being mean. I offered a suggestion in the original post (use sensory writing); I'm not being negative.

[adam3121]

I like that story, Very entertaining to me, seeing i enjoy hearing or seeing people die...(its a problem i have) xP i cant wait til u write more :)

[DarkSeraphim]

I'm not yelling at all? I just told you to make sure you know what you're talking about before you say it. Anyways, just because I'm posting doesn't mean I'm being mean. I offered a suggestion in the original post (use sensory writing); I'm not being negative.

I was messing with you. You are no fun are you? Don't worry I still love you :)

[solan]

I was messing with you. You are no fun are you? Don't worry I still love you :)


Creepy? lol





PS3 FTW!

[C o l i n]

For the highschool put Northern Highschool, or Forest Hills.

[scapeofrugoo]

I have a suggestion, instead of saying Kevon a lot, use the words he, the boy or something along those lines. Good story though.

[Jesse]

I have a suggestion, instead of saying Kevon a lot, use the words he, the boy or something along those lines. Good story though.

I have a suggestion, instead of naming different pronouns, say this: "Use pronouns.".

[scapeofrugoo]

I have a suggestion, instead of naming different pronouns, say this: "Use pronouns.".

okedey dokedey................

"Use pronouns." :D

[DarkSeraphim]

I have a suggestion, instead of naming different pronouns, say this: "Use pronouns.".

okedey dokedey................

"Use pronouns." :D

Scape I knew I was doing that, and purpously did it. Benz, Oh Benz I have so much to say but I have a feeling that around 99.99% of it would get me banned.

[Ranqe skill]

I like happy endings :'(

[DarkSeraphim]

I'm not going to end it with one story, I'm going to write he first. Write the second, and wait a little. After a little bit of time I will post the second, and possibly a third.

[solan]

okedey dokedey................

"Use pronouns." :D

You werent actually supposed to use the quotaions... Benz was just using them to show you exactly what you should have said. =p









... isn't "Kevon" supposed to be spelt "Kevin"???

[Harold]

Bowling for Columbine!

that is a pretty good movie if you've watched the whole thing. I like it but still agree with Benz you could get into trouble for this.

[RockOnDude]

Its pretty good just make it a bit clearer.

[killer]

Could use more detail and a realistic storyline. :(

[DarkSeraphim]

Well there is some nice feedback. Also guys if you actually read the posts, which I don't blame you if you didn't, this is just a very rough draft. I also would like to thank everyone for the help you are all giving me. I would like to give a larger thanks to the people who enjoy the story, which is basically everyone besides Benz.

[killer]

Well, rough draft or not the storyline is not realistic. Why wouldn't the gun work when he tried to kill himself? Why wouldn't he have just killed himself at home? Why did the gun magically work when he aimed it at the bully? It's unrealist and your grammar is horrible.

[DarkSeraphim]

I don't really care about grammar at this point, but the answers are for me to know.

[killer]

I don't really care about grammar at this point, but the answers are for me to know.

Then why write and release a story if your going to exclude main points for yourself to know only?

[Tupac777]

good intro and dude Asian was jst metioning stuff
ur cool

peace

[DarkSeraphim]

It isn't finished, when it is finished you will understand!

[killer]

I guess we will see then.

[DarkSeraphim]

I have mid terms so currently I can't work on the story, but hopefully after midterms I will be able to.

[killer]

I have mid terms so currently I can't work on the story, but hopefully after midterms I will be able to.

That's understandable.

[bluedragon]

Its good, a few spelling mistakes though.

[Zaveski]

Technically, those were two paragraphs.

llelelle 3/10

[DarkSeraphim]

I'm not sure if I have not specified this but I am not done.