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Ubiquitous
04-14-2009, 12:59 AM
The Awakened is a story I decided to write once I was told my poems are like stories. I will be posting chapters as I write the story. If you enjoy it, dislike it, or have advice please post. If I feel I am getting a good response I will get my chapters out faster I may create a Chapter 1 part 2. This will happen if I feel that the next part relates better to what is happening.

The Awakened - Chapter 2 has been removed. I will be going over it to edit, and then I will put up The Awakened - Chapter 2 - Edited Version.

Chapter 1 -
I could not keep up with her, I mean she looked so good in that mini-skirt. It showed just enough of her legs to make you look, but not enough for you to get any funny ideas. Christy and I have been best friends since first grade, but that did not stop my hormones. I was trying to listen to Christy as she started talking about our classes, but it was just too damn hard. I looked up, and wished I had not. Her shirt was extremely tight, and I almost could not look away. I finally got myself to look up, and then I noticed him. A stranger in his twenties, he acted like a predator, stood watching Christy. I was about to go and give him a piece of my mind, but he noticed me looking at him. He looked away, and started to talk to the secretary.
"Which extra class did you get?" Christy asked.
"Umm." I fumbled with my paper. "Mythology." I let out a groan.
"It's okay, I got medieval art."
We started to walk to our first period class when I noticed Adam walking over. I groaned, Adam is the biggest ass in the school, and Christy has a crush on him. I asked God for Adam to fall, or I might have asked for something a little more violent. Adam is 6 foot 4, captain of the basketball team, has blond hair, and blue eyes. He stepped in front of Christy, and gave her one hell of a bull**** smile.
"Hello Christy how are you?"
"Hey Adam, sorry I have to go to class."
Yah! Go Christy!
"Christy, Wait I was wondering if you want to go out sometime?" Adam's words hit me like a physical blow. Christy looked excited.
"Sure, How 'bout Saturday night?" I could not believe Christy was doing this.
"Yah, See you later Christy." Adam left right after.
Christy let out a little squeak of excitement. I bit my tongue before I snapped at her. I continued to walk to our class, Christy started running to catch up.
"We have English first, it should be right there." Christy pointed to a class, and we entered. I sat down towards the back, and Christy sat down next to me. Mr. Grow walked in, and looked around the room. He sat down, and prepared for the lesson. Mr. Grow was around 50 years old, gray hair, 6 feet 7 inches, and a great teacher. The only thing I found weird are his eyes, they are completely white. He was a little pale, but he was kind. Christy kept passing notes to me, and I kept ignoring them. We went through all of our classes like this until our last class of the day.
"Bye Jake, are you driving today?"
"Yah, I'll be in the lot. Bye Chris."
Our classes were on separate sides on the building, I walked to Mythology. I found a seat, in the back, and waited for the teacher. 5 minutes after the bell rings the stranger walks in. Dammit, why did it have to be this *******. He was pale as hell, good looking, and acted like a predator.
"Good afternoon class, welcome to Mythology."

evelstar7
04-14-2009, 01:15 AM
yer ok i read the hole thing and got lost half way throw and forgot the first bit lol i ent a good reader

A M F
04-14-2009, 01:16 AM
The Awakened is a story I decided to write once I was told my poems are like stories. I will be posting chapters as I write the story. If you enjoy it, dislike it, or have advice please post. If I feel I am getting a good response I will get my chapters out faster I may create a Chapter 1 part 2. This will happen if I feel that the next part relates better to what is happening.

Fix we went to English first, it say's fist. Also fix It is okay I got medieval art to It's okay, I got medieval art. Other than that 9/10!
Well written. I can't wait for the rest.

Jesse
04-14-2009, 01:16 AM
The concept is interesting enough. Unless I misunderstood, the narrator, Jake, has a crush on his friend, Christy? Later on in the chapter we find out Christy has a crush on a boy named Adam, apparently a total ****.

I noticed a few things (these are positive critiques):



Punctuation could use a bit of fine tuning, though I assume this is a rough draft so it is not an issue.
A little bit too much cursing - it takes away from the seriousness of the theme. Cursing should remain in dialogue and should subtly come forth in the actual paragraph, albeit limited.
The exposition could be redone a bit. Making the characters three dimensional is a sure way to success.

I look forward to reading more, though :).

A M F
04-14-2009, 01:17 AM
yer ok i read the hole thing and got lost half way throw and forgot the first bit lol i ent a good reader

You "ent" a good speeler ither mi m4n. Lol

Ubiquitous
04-14-2009, 01:21 AM
:-) No one knows the plot, except I think Briese does. I'll give you a hint, the stranger begins the real story. Thank you for your help, I will fix once I have time.

A M F
04-14-2009, 02:16 AM
:-) No one knows the plot, except I think Briese does. I'll give you a hint, the stranger begins the real story. Thank you for your help, I will fix once I have time.

Anytime! :)

Ubiquitous
04-14-2009, 02:24 AM
yer ok i read the hole thing and got lost half way throw and forgot the first bit lol i ent a good reader

You're not a good speller either, please do not comment unless you are trying to help me and not your post count.

Nottz
04-15-2009, 02:53 AM
I liked reading the story. I could make it through without falling asleep, and the imagery was extremely good, because the scene was flashing through my head the whole time I read this.

I couldn't help but wonder if this similar to a real life experience of yours? If so, this happens to lots of other people at school, myself included. I hope things turn around for the character and possibly you.

I think that we need a better back-story on the main character before the minor character get theirs. We know you're crushing on the girl christy, and that you have been friends with her for a long time, but that doesn't tell us too much about you.

I like how you're leading us into this story, and I can't wait to read more.

Ubiquitous
04-17-2009, 03:30 AM
No, I hope this is not a real life story. The main plot has not been showed, when it is you will see why. Thank you for such positive feedback.

gfx own
06-19-2009, 08:24 PM
great story i could neever write somethin like that