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Kreepy
05-01-2009, 04:05 AM
This is somewhat a short poem...Get over it.



The Wind.

It brushes against you,
It holds you,
It blankets you.

You don't notice it.

It can hurt you,
It can help you,
It can bring you down.

You don't notice it.

It calms you,
It angers you,
It soothes you.

You take it for granted, you ignore it.

Do you notice the wind?




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I think i'm going to stop posting my stories cause no one is replying to them FYI
Nottz
05-01-2009, 04:15 AM
This sounds like a bunch of statements tossed together and labeled "POEM." These have been popping up alot lately, and I'm not saying it's your fault. You need to start with some easier poetry styles than free verse. You have to get pretty good at rhythm before you can successfully pull off a good free verse poem. Try writing some rhyming poems, or work on rhythm. Either way, you need to improve.
Kreepy
05-01-2009, 04:29 AM
I didn't really go through this one just stuff came to mind and i threw it down. Its not my best.
Every1die4
05-01-2009, 04:35 AM
It probably isn't your best. I'd have to agree with Nottz on this. It just doesn't flow right. It sounds more like different sentences put together and being labeled "Poem", as Nottz already said.

You use "you" too many times. Being redundant doesn't help the flow/rhythm of a poem either. Try not to repeat words too many times.
Kreepy
05-01-2009, 04:38 AM
Your right...i didn't even look over it..-.- i can't believe i just posted it..
Spanish
05-01-2009, 04:42 AM
Mumbo Jumbo, makes no sense as do most of my poems.
Every1die4
05-01-2009, 04:42 AM
Your right...i didn't even look over it..-.- i can't believe i just posted it..

Failure is the first step to success. (You didn't fail. It just didn't seem right.)

If you post, it helps us see your weakness' and strengths. We can determine what you're good at, and tell you what to improve on. I'm glad you posted it. You're going to learn sooner or later. I promise. :P
Nottz
05-01-2009, 04:46 AM
Failure is the first step to success. (You didn't fail. It just didn't seem right.)

If you post, it helps us see your weakness' and strengths. We can determine what you're good at, and tell you what to improve on. I'm glad you posted it. You're going to learn sooner or later. I promise. :P

Thomas Edison tried over 1000 times to create a lightbulb before he made one that worked. When asked if those failures affected his morale he said, "I didn't fail. I just found 1000 ways not to make a lightbulb."
Kreepy
05-21-2009, 11:20 PM
Nottz, you don't know how many times I heard that. Lol.
Johno
05-22-2009, 05:10 AM
Nottz, you don't know how many times I heard that. Lol.

Oh well, it's a good thing to still remember.

Not your best work, overuse of "you" and it was lacking vocabulary, A few bigger words may have increased the decency of this poem. Try to work harder, because I know your good at writing poems.