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Johno
05-04-2009, 02:10 AM
My Home land

I feel the memories, I feel the care,
I feel the love, which I have here,
I see the plants, I smell the grass,
The special thing that, I have loved.

When I was young I felt a crush,
My homeland and I were love.
I still dream about this place,
Yet it’s gone to outer space.

I quite like this poem of mine, what do you think?
Nottz
05-04-2009, 02:17 AM
Subtle rhyming made this poem good. The following two lines, however, dropped it to decent.

"The special thing that, I have loved."

"My homeland and I were love."

The first one would sound better as, "The special thing, that I have loved." Saying it like that would improve the rhythm. The second one just doesn't make sense. Going to outerspace is cool, but I don't get what your homeland has to do with that, unless you are making a metaphor about how your homelan is as distant as outerspace now. Please elaborate.
Johno
05-04-2009, 02:21 AM
Subtle rhyming made this poem good. The following two lines, however, dropped it to decent.

"The special thing that, I have loved."

"My homeland and I were love."

The first one would sound better as, "The special thing, that I have loved." Saying it like that would improve the rhythm. The second one just doesn't make sense. Going to outerspace is cool, but I don't get what your homeland has to do with that, unless you are making a metaphor about how your homeland is as distant as outerspace now. Please elaborate.

Let me elaborate, By saying that I mean by my Home Land has been over ruled by Gangsters, Bullies and the Government, If you catch my drift. Thanks for the tips also.
Nottz
05-04-2009, 02:38 AM
Let me elaborate, By saying that I mean by my Home Land has been over ruled by Gangsters, Bullies and the Government, If you catch my drift. Thanks for the tips also.

So... there are aliens in your home land?
Johno
05-04-2009, 02:41 AM
So... there are aliens in your home land?

No, I don't think you understand. My home land is full of Gangsters, Bullies and Government faggots, Which I say it has drifted into horrible things, which I have said to be Outer Space.
Sprit3
05-04-2009, 02:43 AM
I really don't understand.
Some of your grammer is wrong and it just didn't make any sence to me.
Sorry.