Shes gone.

[liljon9090]

When you left,
You took a piece of me.
I constantly find myself
Down on a knee.

I see you in my dreams
Every night and day,
I run to be in your arms
But you slowly walk away.

Why do you do this?
Why do you run?
I'm afraid to think
You're seeing someone.

I love you so much,
And I wish you could see,
What in the world,
You're doing to me.

My first try at this. Any help what so ever would be great.

[Ubiquitous]

It has, in my opinion, a good flow but it sounds like lyrics to me. Then again, that is a type of poetry... Good job, but I don't rate I give C&C so here it goes. I feel this line "What in the world" I can't place it but it has that feeling. I think you can make a stronger hook, but you came in with a pretty good ending.

[liljon9090]

It has, in my opinion, a good flow but it sounds like lyrics to me. Then again, that is a type of poetry... Good job, but I don't rate I give C&C so here it goes. I feel this line "What in the world" I can't place it but it has that feeling. I think you can make a stronger hook, but you came in with a pretty good ending.


Thank you,I appreciate it.

[Ubiquitous]

Thank you,I appreciate it.

Woops, I meant

"I feel this line "What in the world" I can't place it but it has a feeling that it does not belong."

Sorry, I should have double checked like I normally do. :P

[Macoronizer]

Avoid contractions. Instead of puttin' "I'm or you're", try "I am or you are". Other than that, it looks great.

[liljon9090]

Avoid contractions. Instead of puttin' "I'm or you're", try "I am or you are". Other than that, it looks great.
Thank you.I'll sure keep that in mind,when I am writing a new poem.

[Ubiquitous]

Look at this post http://dodian.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61652 It may help.

[liljon9090]

Look at this post http://dodian.com/forums/showthread.php?t=61652 It may help.

Thank you once again kind sir.

[Colin]

The rhyming scheme was magnificent I would have to say. Like Macoronizer stated: Avoid using too many contractions. Add a stronger vocabulary choice to your next piece.

[liljon9090]

The rhyming scheme was magnificent I would have to say. Like Macoronizer stated: Avoid using too many contractions. Add a stronger vocabulary choice to your next piece.
Thank you,I'm writing one as we speak.Yet having a hard trouble.

[l0stz 3mb3r]

I personally hate poems cause I suck at writing them. That's why I only write stories and such.

The reasons I like your poem is because you have rhythm in it, It is showing your emotions towards someone, and I can understand it all.

I rate your work 9/10. Good job.

[Nottz]

You had some trouble rhyming, eh? It appears as though you started to make a rhyming poem, got stuck, then transitioned into free verse. I liked it ok, but you have alot of work to get better. The rhythm was fine but it got confusing after the rhyme got messed up. Try harder, if you need advice, I'm sure any of the kind literary minds around these forums would be glad to help. Hit them up with a PM.

4/10

[liljon9090]

You had some trouble rhyming, eh? It appears as though you started to make a rhyming poem, got stuck, then transitioned into free verse. I liked it ok, but you have alot of work to get better. The rhythm was fine but it got confusing after the rhyme got messed up. Try harder, if you need advice, I'm sure any of the kind literary minds around these forums would be glad to help. Hit them up with a PM.

4/10

I'll keep that in mind,Thanks.

[f4ll3n d0wn]

i enjoyed the way you really put your REAL emotions and feeling into this one. The rhyming could use a little work but not bad 7/10:yup:

[liljon9090]

i enjoyed the way you really put your REAL emotions and feeling into this one. The rhyming could use a little work but not bad 7/10:yup:

Yeah I know,I'm working on it. Thanks.

[Sprit3]

I actually like it.
Needs a little better vocab though. 7/10.

[XX aelita XX]

Thank you,I'm writing one as we speak.Yet having a hard trouble.
I'm going to lol. Ripper. http://www.short-love-poems.net/sad-love-poems.html

[top4skiller]

kinda good :p

top4skiller

[Xzite]

Greetings Liljon9090:

I am afraid this is critique is going to be a bit of an exercise in conflict - no pun. General impressions first. I like the idea of writing about Her being gone and the carnage they create. But - I have always had a problem of suspension of disbelief with respect to the anthropomorphism of man made objects. In your post we are “hearing” the thoughts of a mine. A mine that seems sad that it cannot fulfill its purpose. A mine that laments its lack of senses, due to a defect in construction. Enough on anthropomorphism.

[LYRiiCAL]

I like it mate, very well done.