[♥x♥] First Love Note - Tw1n

[Total Tw1n]

I was going to give this to my girlfriend when we reached a month, but i would like to see what you guys think of my short poem.

Well here goes..




Life is over as we know it,
When we lose everyone and forfeit,
Our friends go away,
You swear that who ever did this will pay,
Then you see in a new life,
You meet a beauty that could be your wife,
But everything slips through a crack,
But you will never be happy until everyone is back,
No I'm different but will always stay,
But now there is someone that makes my life without disarray,
But now my life seems to look like it's made,
And that's all because of my special girl Jade ♥
♥

Disarray : A lack of order or sequence.

[XX aelita XX]

The rhyming is a bit mixed up lol, the flow is alright. No commas or periods/full stops.

I'm sure she will like it just because of the thought though.

[Ubiquitous]

Life is over as we know it
When we lose everything and forfeit
Our friends go away
And you swear that who ever did this will pay
Then you see in a new life
You meet a beauty that could be your wife
But everything slips through a crack
But you will never be happy until everyone is back
No I'm different but I will always stay
Because now there someone that makes my life without disarray
But now my life seems to look like it's made
And that's all because of my special girl Jade ♥


The lines covered in red destroy the flow, in my opinion. The one that is green also does, the i should be I. I like that you were comfortable to show this to us, but work on it a little. Single words should be changed.

And you swear that who ever did this will pay - You swear the one who did this will pay. That sounds better to me.

[L1l 13urnz]

i like it, bet she would love it just because its from you not some1 else.

[C o l i n]

"But now there is", change that so it makes sense. There are punctuational errors present.

She will adore it, I guarantee.

[Total Tw1n]

i like it, bet she would love it just because its from you not some1 else.
She will adore it, I guarantee.


Thanks for the tips.

I've edited it a little bit, I want to get this as best as I can. So thanks for the few compliments, and i'm actually a little shocked you guys like it :rolleyes: But i have a week or two to get this right.

Thanks for the help.

[mentality]

There are some parts where the rhyming is off abit but, other than that, great job. :D I am sure your girlfriend will love it because you wrote it.

[Total Tw1n]

Thanks :) Hope she does O_O