The Thrasher and Redemption; Two poems by nobartholem

[Mutilate]

The Thrasher:

Sitting all alone on a dark summers night
Fated and doomed to a terrible plight
I'm beaten,scarred,battered, and bruised
The Thrasher

Later in the morning, still wounded with shock
The past few hours of day are a muck
What happened? Probably just a bad dream
The Thrasher

The monster with glaring red eyes makes me scream
I need to get out of this horrible dream
Theres only one way out and it scares me to death
The Thrasher

I feal it still with me with every step i take
But still that last move i refuse to make
It blocks out my mind and makes me surrender
The Thrasher

Its tearing my heart out and eating my soul
tkaing over my body, tunneling like a mole
I'm so scared to live, but too scared to die
The Thrasher

I can take it no longer, he makes me change fast
Robbing my innocence, it just couldn't last
I'm quiiting forever i'm losing the battle
The Thrashed

Redemption:

They all turned to you in my hour of need
You took me of all that i had, but now i'm free
In a demon's voice i feal a need to scream
I want my redemption

You run and you hide and you plead and you bed
I really don't care because soon you'll be dead
Time doesn't matter, its all in your head
I'll get my redemption

You ruined my life
I'll ruin yours too
I beat you and stab you, what more could you do?
Nobody hears your screams, blind in the dusk
I've received my redemption

[Kreepy]

You have the same flow in both peoms but it's still great. If you would have posted this in submissions it would get alot more views.

[Mutilate]

Do you think its good enough to be a submission?

because i want a good writer (not kissing up, i've read ur stories) like you to review these. Anything i can improve?

[Kreepy]

Thrasher I think is okay for it. The only suggestion for The Thrasher is at the end when you say The Thrashed, instead of The put I'm. Redemption could use more work though. These are the only two poems i've seen from you but you could put some more thought for it. If you continue to use the same rhyme pattern (not saying your bad) for all your poems it might dull it out.. Just that and your fine. Let me know when you post things. You have talent.

-Kreepy

[Mko]

Very nice job on both of these poems.
I look forward to reading even more of your excellent poems soon!

[Beachside]

They have nice flow, but could use some work.
The Thrasher is better than Redemption.

[Mutilate]

Thrasher I think is okay for it. The only suggestion for The Thrasher is at the end when you say The Thrashed, instead of The put I'm. Redemption could use more work though. These are the only two poems i've seen from you but you could put some more thought for it. If you continue to use the same rhyme pattern (not saying your bad) for all your poems it might dull it out.. Just that and your fine. Let me know when you post things. You have talent.

-Kreepy
I dunno if talent is the right word, but thanks. I don't know if i want to change "The Thrashed" into "I'm Thrashed." Because i don't wish to see The Thrashed as a person. More of an idea or and emotion. Not a physical being

Very nice job on both of these poems.
I look forward to reading even more of your excellent poems soon!

Im popular =]