zapka45
06-04-2009, 11:25 PM
My brother has been writing a fantasy story lately, my brother is 16 years old and noticed how I use these forums alot and asked me if I could post his story on here and see if I can get some opinions I am only putting 1 or 2 pages on here because he is currently on his 20th page and thats alot to read... So here it is hope you like it and please leave feedback negative or positive (this is fantasy jonra) look downs and read
*note* this is the prologue so there isnt much action but my brother is looking for spelling and grammatical errors. Thanks.
Prologue
“Bring her in, Garret.”
The speaker appeared to be a younger woman, though with the nobles it was always hard to tell. She was sitting before a window opening to the north, facing the barren waste that stretched beyond the city walls to the fading horizon, barely separable from the sky at this time in the evening. Judging by the regular bustle of citizens moving across the river from the castle, things where as they always had been. Looking beyond the castle grounds, one could see the specks that indicated movement, lit by the lamps lining the sides of the bridge across the river. Farther out, the gentle glow of light faded into the maze of streets and buildings, and in some places disappeared entirely. As one’s eyes ventured beyond the walls of the castle, the darkness of the forest took over, the looming trees blending together in the dusk to form a senseless mass. Even further, one could see the edge of the wastes, where the lush forest fought against winter’s grasp, strips of snow penetrating the woods like massive fingers, reluctant to release their prize. The waste stretched off into the gloom, and even from the castles peak, the end could not be seen. The wizards who had created the wastes an age ago had also left tales of dangerous beasts that lurked within, and none had ever returned from the frozen north to put this into question.
Summer also brought many unpleasant scents, although from her vantage in the castles tower they were undetectable on any day but the warmest. In the city it was much worse, however, piles of rotting garbage sitting in the side streets, filth running through the open sewers. Tanners and other unpleasant trades were all forced into a corner of the city, keeping the majority of the streets bearable. The river, however, was nearly impossible to stand, and crossing the bridges to the castle during the high heat of summer often caused many to retch. At least it was good for keeping away petitioners, and the queen often had more important matters to attend to than the countless numbers of hopeless souls who would come to beg for one thing or another.
She sat staring out towards the frozen lands, the snow reflecting a dull orange as the sun dropped behind the western mountains. She watched from eyes clouded with memories, and only turned away when her husband at last returned.
“Are you okay, Elizabeth?” He asked, his eyes searching hers.
“I am still tired, Garret, bringing a child into the world is no easy task.” She said, taking the bundle in his arms and carefully holding it in her own.
He gave her a look, but said nothing. Despite marrying almost three years ago, he had learned so little about her. She always flung aside questions concerning her past, and he could learn nothing about where she came from, before her adoption into a noble household. He had needed to marry; however, as it was beyond time for him to acquire an heir to his throne, and despite her secrets she had proved a very capable queen. They had not married out of love, but it so far had proved to be no obstacle. She had never spoken to him about the countless women he had taken to his bed, and he had never seen fit to bother her about the past she hid so well. It was a marriage that suited them fine, he had a strong queen to rule in his stead and was bound to be granted an heir eventually, while she all the power and wealth that came with ruling the city.
“Would you leave us for a while, Garret?” Elizabeth said, breaking him from his thoughts. “The baby is waking, and I am tired from the day’s efforts.”
He gave her a look, knowing her excuse lacked substance, but decided not to press. He had a tiring day laid before him tomorrow, and would rather spend the night in his chambers, entertaining some fairer company, than at the queens side with a child that would do him no good as an heir.
He wished her a goodnight, leaving before she asked something else of him.
Elizabeth looked down at the bundle wrapped in her arms, cradling her child. She took one last glance out towards the wastes before carrying the baby over to the bed and setting her down. It had been a long time since she had used her magic, promising to leave it behind her after she had crossed the wastes. It was not a promise she had ever intended to break, although she had always feared her daughter would be the same as her.
*note* this is the prologue so there isnt much action but my brother is looking for spelling and grammatical errors. Thanks.
Prologue
“Bring her in, Garret.”
The speaker appeared to be a younger woman, though with the nobles it was always hard to tell. She was sitting before a window opening to the north, facing the barren waste that stretched beyond the city walls to the fading horizon, barely separable from the sky at this time in the evening. Judging by the regular bustle of citizens moving across the river from the castle, things where as they always had been. Looking beyond the castle grounds, one could see the specks that indicated movement, lit by the lamps lining the sides of the bridge across the river. Farther out, the gentle glow of light faded into the maze of streets and buildings, and in some places disappeared entirely. As one’s eyes ventured beyond the walls of the castle, the darkness of the forest took over, the looming trees blending together in the dusk to form a senseless mass. Even further, one could see the edge of the wastes, where the lush forest fought against winter’s grasp, strips of snow penetrating the woods like massive fingers, reluctant to release their prize. The waste stretched off into the gloom, and even from the castles peak, the end could not be seen. The wizards who had created the wastes an age ago had also left tales of dangerous beasts that lurked within, and none had ever returned from the frozen north to put this into question.
Summer also brought many unpleasant scents, although from her vantage in the castles tower they were undetectable on any day but the warmest. In the city it was much worse, however, piles of rotting garbage sitting in the side streets, filth running through the open sewers. Tanners and other unpleasant trades were all forced into a corner of the city, keeping the majority of the streets bearable. The river, however, was nearly impossible to stand, and crossing the bridges to the castle during the high heat of summer often caused many to retch. At least it was good for keeping away petitioners, and the queen often had more important matters to attend to than the countless numbers of hopeless souls who would come to beg for one thing or another.
She sat staring out towards the frozen lands, the snow reflecting a dull orange as the sun dropped behind the western mountains. She watched from eyes clouded with memories, and only turned away when her husband at last returned.
“Are you okay, Elizabeth?” He asked, his eyes searching hers.
“I am still tired, Garret, bringing a child into the world is no easy task.” She said, taking the bundle in his arms and carefully holding it in her own.
He gave her a look, but said nothing. Despite marrying almost three years ago, he had learned so little about her. She always flung aside questions concerning her past, and he could learn nothing about where she came from, before her adoption into a noble household. He had needed to marry; however, as it was beyond time for him to acquire an heir to his throne, and despite her secrets she had proved a very capable queen. They had not married out of love, but it so far had proved to be no obstacle. She had never spoken to him about the countless women he had taken to his bed, and he had never seen fit to bother her about the past she hid so well. It was a marriage that suited them fine, he had a strong queen to rule in his stead and was bound to be granted an heir eventually, while she all the power and wealth that came with ruling the city.
“Would you leave us for a while, Garret?” Elizabeth said, breaking him from his thoughts. “The baby is waking, and I am tired from the day’s efforts.”
He gave her a look, knowing her excuse lacked substance, but decided not to press. He had a tiring day laid before him tomorrow, and would rather spend the night in his chambers, entertaining some fairer company, than at the queens side with a child that would do him no good as an heir.
He wished her a goodnight, leaving before she asked something else of him.
Elizabeth looked down at the bundle wrapped in her arms, cradling her child. She took one last glance out towards the wastes before carrying the baby over to the bed and setting her down. It had been a long time since she had used her magic, promising to leave it behind her after she had crossed the wastes. It was not a promise she had ever intended to break, although she had always feared her daughter would be the same as her.