Now that I'm...

[Mutilate]

This is a little poem i wrote called "Now that I'm..."

Stupid fights to hang up the phone
What I miss, now that I'm alone.
Pizza and movies were so fun
But no more since I am done
Wish I was in your arms again

Living in the years of gold
Now that I am growing old
Still without you, sad to say
Longing for more yesterday
Looking back into my past

In my last days, of creeping dust
Wishing you were here with us
Don't say that i never cared for you
Your the one who didn't say "I do"
Closing my eyes for the last time.

[Kreepy]

Rhyme was great however I would love to see a difference in word choice. The ending to your stanzas killed everything above it. Change it or add another line. Overall it was fine. 7/10

[Mutilate]

I don't want to make it just 2 stanzas. Can you suggeset a way to make it better?

Two stanza poem isn't great for LOTM

[Kreepy]

Well your Rhymed in ABABC. I would suggest doing a ABABCC. Like:

In my last days, of creeping dust
Wishing you were here with us
Don't say that i never cared for you
Your the one who didn't say "I do"
Closing my eyes for the last time,
Wondering if you'll notice my crime.

[Chris]

Two stanza poem isn't great for LOTM

Yes, it is just fine. It doesn't matter about the length of your poem, it depends completely on the quality of your poem.

Anyways, the ending of each of your stanzas cut off abruptly; I suggest trying to fix that. Overall, I'd give you a 6.5/10.

[Mutilate]

In my last days, of creeping dust
Wishing you were here with us
Don't say that i never cared for you
Your the one who didn't say "I do"
Closing my eyes for the last time,
Wondering if you'll notice my crime.

Can i steal that last line? thats pretty good

[Kreepy]

Lol you helped me. Go for it. :D

[Mutilate]

Sweet

New edited poem:


Stupid fights to hang up the phone
What I miss, now that I'm alone.
Pizza and movies were so fun
But no more since I am done
Wish I was in your arms again
Hoping still to call you a friend

Living in the years of gold
Now that I am growing old
Still without you, sad to say
Longing for more yesterday
Looking back into my past
I knew there was no way it could last

In my last days, of creeping dust
Wishing you were here with us
Don't say that i never cared for you
Your the one who didn't say "I do"
Closing my eyes for the last time.
Wondering if you noticed my crime

Edited lines are in italics.

[Kreepy]

There you go. Now I really like it :D

[The Artist]

I really liked that poem.
Great job.
Is this your LOTM entry?

[Mutilate]

Yes it is, LOOK OUT OTHER PEOPLE!

[killamarks]

Good good, I can see, even as a non-experimented litteraly person, the point of the poem and I can understand it... 9/10.

[Mutilate]

I know you meant non-experienced, and thanks alot =]

:-]

[The Artist]

Well, then Nobartholem good luck ;).

[Mutilate]

Thanks so much. Good luck to you too

[Kreepy]

If they do LOTM this time but READING it, you have a good chance.

[Mutilate]

If they do LOTM this time


They aren't doing LOTM? what are you talking about?

[Kreepy]

If this time people read it. ect..

[Mutilate]

Popularity contest. But not too many "famous" people have entered yet, so the voters might have to read the submissions.

[Kreepy]

I'm going to get mine deleted. I think since I'm Literary Artist that there is no point to go in LOTM.

[Mutilate]

Why? Thats not the only reason to do LOTM (and personally i think your my only competition as of now) don't tell anyone!

[Kreepy]

Deleted my post.

[Vishaan]

Hm. I'm not sure. It feels just a bit choppy when I read it.

[Mutilate]

I don't understand? What part is choppy so that i can fix it. Stanza, and line please.

Thanks

-Nobartholem