Fallen Warrior- a poem

[Mutilate]

Sitting on the battlefield
Waiting here for you to heal
Taking my morphine so i can be free
Look at what you've done to me
Still sitting
Like a Fallen Warrior

Shot and bleeding everywhere
Can't look away, but don't stare
Your sick cruel love has wounded me
Wishing that I can be set free
Laying down
Wounded like a Fallen Warrior

The drug is now taking affect
Soon there will be none left
Leave out the time
To make it rhyme
Dead and dieing
Given up like a Fallen Warrior

~~~~~

constructive comments are extremely welcome, non constructive comments aren't.

[Stecki]

Is this meant to be fast or slow?

'Wishing that I can be set free', seems to have too many syllables in it.. unless I've read it wrong.

Thats bout all I don't like about it.

~stecki

[Mutilate]

Its supposed to be moderately slow, On the faster side of Andante (if you play musiuc, you know what that means)

Its supposed to be slow

And both have seven syllables. You just read it too fast. Thats ok

Glad you like it

[Vishaan]

Hm..

I cant quite pick the pace of it.

I don't quite like the rhyming scheme, but I love the theme you have going.

Work on it a little please?

[Mutilate]

I'll have to completely re-do the poem if i need to re-do the flow. So I might just scrap this and start over with this "Fallen Warrior" concept.

[Vishaan]

Hm.

I just think you need to ponder things a bit longer before you 'submit' them. If you ever have any doubts about your writting, submit them to "Works in progress" first.

[Mutilate]

Nobody looks in works in progress.... Going to bed now

[Vishaan]

Nobody looks in works in progress.... Going to bed now

I do.

I only reply when there needs to be serious work done.

Night.

[Mutilate]

So if you wont reply to it and tell me if you like it, Its not like im rapidfiring submissions. I spent a good 45 minutes on that poem.